The King Of Pain
by RachelDemented
Summary: Pacey disappeared after a hard breakup with Joey during college. Now Joey's finally found him, and wants to love him again, but Pacey's shameful secret makes him afraid to get close to her.


Title: **The King Of Pain**

Author: Rach

Email: rachelfromihj@hotmail.com

Homepage: Rach's Stuff [ http://www.geocities.com/rachelfromihj ]

Rating: PG 13

Summary: Years after highschool graduation, Pacey seemingly has disappeared off the face of the Earth. Going to Seattle for a job interview, Joey finds him. She tries to reach him, but he's afraid to let her...she doesn't know about his recent past. 

Spoilers: None. I did write this before the P/J angst in season 3

Distribute: Archive at will!

Author's Note: I wrote this listening to The Police's King Of Pain. I hate putting lyrics in a fic, so I've left them out. But it's a great, depressing, uplifting song! Alanis Morrisette does an awesome cover on her MTV Unplugged CD.

Pacey ordered a small coffee, black. He paid the cashier then slipped into a seat at a table near the window. He looked outside at the gray Seattle sky. It mirrored the look in his eyes perfectly. It mirrored his soul.

A stranger would've looked into his clear gray eyes and thought him just the average twenty-three year old, but someone close would look and know that this wasn't him; something in those gray eyes had changed. He wasn't the same Pacey Witter anymore. 

If someone would listen, his body language told his story like an open book.

His stature was wilted and tired; slouched...not at all the proud, swaggering, and confident man nature had intended him. He was withdrawn, vulnerable, and he sometimes had a slight tremor in his limbs; proof he was out of strength, and he was still fragile after his war with the past.

He'd almost lost.

At the last moment, something saved Pacey, and he was able to recover, though recovery was an everyday process for this young man, and it would be an everyday battle until the day he died. Sometimes Pacey didn't know how he had the strength to survive at all. He saw his reflection in the glass, and looked away. He didn't like to look at himself.

All he ever saw was someone sick… someone weak, someone unable to handle even the simplest things. He felt pathetic, and so he looked away. He hated his reflection because it reminded him he should hate himself.

The reflection wasn't bad, just the memories that went with it.

Pacey was still the same guy in flesh, but the reflection was only of someone he had once been.

That's not what Joey was expecting when she bound down the sidewalk, a smile on her face, and high hopes for this newfound opportunity to amend her past and possibly sway her future.

Joey, at twenty-two, was in Seattle for a job opportunity with a magazine.

Joey had graduated with a Masters degree in Media Arts from The Art Institutes International at San Francisco. She'd been accepted as a scholar at all the best schools: Princeton, Stanford, even Harvard. But she'd turned them down to follow her passion.

Art was her passion.

Oh, Dawson had persuaded her to go with him to any one of the Ivy League schools, both had been accepted to all; but she ultimately said no, to his disappointment. So he went on without her, and he was happy. And she was glad. She was happy, even as their lives had taken them in very different directions, and though she hardly ever talked with Spielberg Boy anymore, as it went, she never regretted a thing.

Except for losing touch with Pacey. She regretted that. 

She was here. He'd be inside waiting for her.

She took a deep breath to settle to butterflies in her stomach, and yanked open the door.

There he was.

"Pacey."

"Jo?"

The Past:

It wasn't anything that she beat herself up over. He'd broken up with her. It hurt, but she'd gotten over it. She knew the long distance relationship thing was hard for him, so she didn't fight it. 

Pacey had moved to Washington to go to school there. He begged her to go to the Art Institute of Seattle, but she couldn't. They didn't offer the programs that San Francisco had, and she wanted to take it all.

He seemed bitter at the time, but he said he understood. So they went off to different schools in different states, meeting on some weekends and holidays, trying to hold it together. But as a few months went by, they were drained of time and energy, and suddenly there seemed to be no effort in it.

Joey understood why so she didn't fight it. Maybe she should have, she thought.

They'd only been in school for eight months. Merely eight months, and things had already become so hard.

They had broken up, of all things, over the telephone. And only a month after their last visit. 

It had been bad. 

Pacey was completely emotional; screaming and crying, and begging her not to leave him. She tried to explain that she wasn't leaving him, just freeing him, for now. She tried to make him understand how much she loved him, and that she was only suggesting they cool the relationship until they were in a better place to pursue it, for both their sakes. But he wouldn't listen. It ended with Pacey calling her ugly names, and screaming at the top of his lungs that he hated her and never wanted to see her again. Then he hung up on her. 

And that was it.

She was only 18, and he barely 19, so Joey thought everything would be okay. She knew he'd only said those things out of hurt and anger, so she didn't hold it against him. In her heart she knew they were too young to worry about a long distance romance. She thought he just needed time to adjust. With time, he'd understand. Things would eventually work out. They'd come together again, and things would work out.

Though they couldn't be together right then, Joey did want to stay his friend.

She tried to contact him a few times, but he wouldn't take her calls. She wrote him a few friendly letters, but he never answered. She tried again, with deeper letters, letters that he couldn't ignore (if he were reading them), letters that she poured her heart into, hoping she'd get at least a minimal response out of. 

Still no answer. Still, she tried, growing tired.

Then the letters started coming back so she just stopped all together.

Two Christmas' ago, when she'd been home to Capeside, she stopped by his family's house. Mr. Witter answered the door, and when she'd asked for Pacey, he'd gotten all choked up. He simply told her he wasn't there, but he would let him know she stopped by, Merry Christmas and thank you, and then the door was shut in her face.

Joey was startled and disturbed by his behavior. She slowly turned to leave when the door opened again. Doug came out and informed her that they hadn't seen or heard from Pacey since his twentieth birthday when he'd called from a pay phone to say hi to their mom. He dropped out of school, and apparently off the face of the Earth.

Joey was baffled. Doug apologized for their father's behavior. She said she understood, and then she had left. That was that. Everyone was baffled. Everyone was concerned. 

Gale Leery saw Mr. Witter occasionally, out and about in town. She always asked about Pacey. The answer was always the same: they hadn't heard from him.

Then a few months ago Joey got a call from Jen. 

Word on the home front was that Pacey was in Seattle. Apparently Jen had run into Doug and Doug mentioned that they found Pacey living there. Doug had even given her his address. Apparently Pacey had no phone.

Jen knew about Joey's job offer there, and had called her to let her know where to find him. Joey wanted to find him more than anything. So Joey sent Pacey a letter. After two weeks, he'd actually responded, and they'd agreed to meet here…at this coffee shop, at this exact time.

She had missed him so much. She'd been dreaming of this moment for eons…hoping that at first contact they might be able to spark that same feeling they'd had so many years ago, before parting in such a bad scene.

She had decided that if it was at all possible, she wanted to pick up where they'd left off. She wanted to love him again, and she wanted him to love her.

"Jo…it's good to see you." He said quietly.

She was smiling, but her heart was sinking. 

His eyes darted past her, and over her, and around her, and at one point, seemingly through her. These weren't the eyes she remembered. They were his, but there was something missing, stolen, and it afflicted her now too. He didn't even get up to hug her.

She sank into the chair across from him, still wearing the artificial smile, and took a deep breath. It was good to see him too, regardless of the feeling in her stomach.

"I've missed you." She said hopefully. 

For a split second his eyes rested on her and a smile appeared in the corners of his mouth. That gave Joey some hope. She exhaled in relief and started to relax.

"Would you like something?" He asked, starting to get up from the table.

"No! No, I'm fine." She briefly covered his hand with hers to stop him, and that touch was all that was needed to make him sit and stay and open his mind to her again; to this woman who he had nearly destroyed himself over.

Of course it hadn't been her fault at all. It was all him. He'd been able to learn that, to deal with his own guilt, so he'd nearly destroyed himself on his own. Not because of her.

"Pacey, where did you go?" Joey asked finally, after they'd finally settled into a conversation. Pacey had seemed to come alive in the past fifteen minutes, showing genuine interest as he listened to her talk about her life. But Joey noticed how he seemed to avoid questions about himself, and now as she asked this one particular question, she could almost hear a door closing inside of him. He shrank back in his seat, and his eyes began to dart about the room again.

"I've been here." He said simply, quietly.

"Here?" She asked sweetly. "Doing what?"

He shrugged. "Nothing."

"Pacey!" She laughed. "You must've been doing something! Come on! All I've been doing is talking about myself! I want to hear about you…about what you've been doing with yourself. Come on! Fess up!"

"Well…" Pacey took a long pause, staring down at the grain of the table for a while.

Joey didn't dare say a word, afraid that he might open his mouth to say something just as she interrupted. She held her eyes on him, the question lingering in the air.

He rubbed his hands together nervously before placing his palms down on the table. After another long moment, Joey slipped her hands over his and squeezed them. She hid her troubled expression as she suddenly realized how thin and cold they felt, not at all like they'd used to be. She didn't let go, and she didn't release her gaze. He was going to answer her if they had to sit here for days. She wanted him to answer her. 

She began to caress his fingers…that seemed to do the trick.

"I work at a music store."

Joey smiled. Pacey finally spoke. And he talked and talked and talked. 

Not about school, or his achievements, or anything grand. Just about the little things. Like what a nice guy, Bob, his boss, was. Or the old woman that lived down the hall with these two little yappy dogs that he offered to walk for her because she was too old and couldn't do it herself anymore. And about this preteen girl that comes into his store once a week asking about old Greenday CD's; how she tries to flirt with him…and how he calls her 'jailbait'.

Joey smiled at that.

Then he told her about this plant that a neighbor left on their porch after they'd moved away, and how it had been dying but he took it and repotted it and gave it water everyday and now it was this beautiful green fern thing that just wont stop growing. He just talked about the little things…He seemed so proud of the little things.

Joey felt proud for him too.

And when he stopped talking, she didn't ask him about anything else.

Pacey offered to walk Joey back to her motel, but she declined. The weather was getting bad, or so she thought, and she didn't want Pacey to have to walk back in it. But Pacey didn't look worried when the first drops started to fall. He just zipped up his jacket and pulled on his hood. Joey withdrew an umbrella from her bag and offered to share it with him as they waited for his bus. He declined.

"You don't need that." He laughed. It was good to see him laugh again.

"Pacey, it's raining!"

"Nah…This aint nothing, just some sprinkles." He looked up to the sky. "This is typical Seattle weather, Potter…You sure you can hack it here?"

He called her Potter… 

"I can if you can." They shared a smile. A moment later his bus pulled up.

"Thank you for seeing me." Joey said as they stood almost nose to nose. He didn't say anything, but smiling, glanced away. "I guess you have to go now?"

"Yeah…" He said, still avoiding her gaze.

"Well, can we spend some more time together? I'll be here for another week before I have to fly back to Frisco for my things…I'll be busy apartment hunting, but maybe you could help?"

She watched him eagerly.

"Um…" _She knew he would say yes…He was still smiling_. "Yeah. Okay."

"Great! Tomorrow, around noon? We can meet here."

"Sure…"

Joey went to hug him but he avoided her. Instead he held out his hand, and she shook it. He said goodbye then boarded his bus, and he was gone.

Joey smiled despite herself. She turned and headed back down the street towards her motel. It was only a few blocks, but by the time she got there, her clothes were soaking wet. She thought with the umbrella she'd be safe. She hadn't accounted for the way the water hit the ground and bounced back up.

"Ah, well," She thought. "Get used to it, Potter."

~O~

The week ended and Joey boarded her flight back to San Francisco. Pacey had helped her find this great one bedroom in a refurbished three story Brownstone. It was perfect. It was close enough to town so that she could walk or catch a bus anywhere she needed to go; it was close to work. Joey was excited.

She'd only be in San Francisco for five days, just enough time to finish packing and tie up some loose ends before making the big move. Things were going to be a mess for a while, she thought as she felt somewhat anxious at completely starting over, correction: _starting out,_ at a new job in a new city. 

_Atleast Pacey would be there,_ she smiled to herself.

The week flew by. Soon enough Joey was back on a plane, flying in the other direction up the coast towards Seattle.

_Home,_ she thought as they prepared to land.

It was no surprise when she got off the plane that it was raining, _yet again_. It had been raining when she first arrived her last trip up, raining when she left, and raining now, and probably tomorrow too. Joey didn't mind. She grinned ecstatically as she came down the escalators and saw Pacey there waiting for her with his hands in his pockets, his hair slightly disarrayed in that little boy look that he wore so well, and a smile on his lips.

"What are you doing here!" She said coming up to him.

"Um…I found out what flight you were coming in on and I thought I'd be here to welcome you home…"

"Aww!"

"So…welcome home."

Joey shook her head in disbelief at how sweet he could be. She reached forward. He recoiled slightly (he always did that when she went to touch him), but when she took his chin in her hands, he allowed her to kiss him lightly on the lips.

"Thank you." She said warmly. 

He actually blushed. His cheeks were red, and his skin grew hot. He was actually blushing!

"Pacey Witter! Are you blushing!"

"Who, me???" He said innocently. "No!"

"Are you sure? Cause you look a little red!" She teased.

"No…" He said, smiling as he shook his head. He leaned down and picked up her carry-on bag. "Not me." 

They spent the next week together. 

Pacey would come over around two after his shift at the music store ended to help her unpack. But they'd spend hours just goofing off. They'd eat a late lunch together, then lunch would turn into dinner, then dinner would turn into nearly midnight, and then Pacey would go.

"So what time do you start work Monday?" He asked as they went to the door; him slipping on his jacket and pulling on his hood. It had rained every day since they were back in each other's presence.

"I have to be there by 9:30."

"Can I bring you a surprise breakfast?" He asked, raising his brow.

"A surprise, huh?" She asked peering up at him skeptically. "Hmn…yeah! That'd be nice! I like surprises!"

"Okay," He laughed. "What do you say I surprise you around, oh, say…eight, with bagels, coffee and fruit?"

"I think I'd like that surprise!" She said giddily.

"Okay, eight then." He pulled open the door, and started out into the hallway.

"Pace, you working tomorrow?" She asked. He stopped and turned back.

"Yeah…I usually work until five on Sunday."

"Will you have dinner with me?"

"Sure, Potter."

She stared up at him, her hand on the door, not wanting to close it. He looked down at her, knowing those eyes… He wanted to take a step back but his legs wouldn't move.

"Maybe we could meet at your job…then go to your place…" She took a step out into the hall towards him, her gaze never wavering as it locked with his.

She still had never been to his place. She mentioned it once, but he shrugged it off and changed the subject…like he was avoiding it.

"Um…well…I dunno," He said. He finally found his feet and began walking backwards towards the elevator.

"Pacey…"

"No, you know what, Potter? I, um, forgot! I forgot I promised Bob I'd work an extra shift so I wont be getting off until late…let's just forget about tomorrow, huh?" He was pushing the elevator button. Joey stood in her doorway staring after him. "How 'bout we just get together Monday morning for that breakfast I offered."

"The surprise?" She confirmed in a small voice.

"Yeah."

The elevator doors opened and he stepped in.

"I'll see you then!" He called out. She couldn't see him anymore, then the doors closed with a ding, and he was gone. Joey bit her lip uncomfortably. 

He just said he'd be off at five. He'd lied to her. Why had he lied? 

The next day at five, Joey was standing outside of the Music Store where Pacey worked.

The sun was out, for once, and Joey's umbrella stay tucked away in her bag as she leaned against the wall and stared out at the skyline. She was liking this city…

He almost didn't see her as he came out the door and headed in the other direction.

"Pacey!" She called out.

He spun around, baffled; his mouth agape when he realized it was her. He stammered to speak.

"Joey! I…"

"I thought you had to work late?" She said innocently.

"I was just…I…I… What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see the plant." She said, squinting her eyes against the sun light behind him.

"Huh?"

"Your fern. I wanted to see your fern…"

"Oh."

He looked at her nervously, and she stared back. She wouldn't have admitted it, but her heart dropped in his hesitation. "Jo, I don't think…"  
"Pacey. What's wrong? Why don't you want me to see your place?"

He was silent.

"Is it another girl?" She asked honestly.

"No." He said quickly. His lip hung as if he were going to add something else, but he didn't.

"Then what?" She finally asked.

"I just didn't want you to see where I lived."

"But why?"

Pacey had no answer. He really didn't. Joey caught on.

"Pacey…" She urged in a whisper, taking his elbow lightly. "Come on…is it this way?" She gestured to the direction he had started walking.

"Um, yeah."

"Come on…" She whispered. "Let's go."

He allowed her to turn him around and lead him a few steps.

"Come on," She said again encouragingly. There was a pause before he reluctantly bowed his head and started walking along side her.

Pacey lived on the poorer side of town. Joey watched him as he unlocked the small security gate to the building. He held it aside and let her enter first.

It was a dark corridor illuminated by cheap yellow light fixtures that made everything look orange. He looked at her again skeptically as they came to another gate. As he fiddled with the lock, she smiled at him. Still stern faced, he turned the key, and again held the gate for her. 

It opened up to a little courtyard area in the dead center of the building; full of plants and vines and a couple of flower pots. Joey thought it must look rather quaint in the daylight, but it was already growing dark; especially with the clouds sweltering overhead and the buildings blocking out the sky. 

The clouds had gathered in a thick gray mass on their way over. She silently followed Pacey to some steps that led not up but down.

He lived on the basement floor, and she followed him to the end of the hallway. He looked at her again, almost sadly this time, as he slipped his key into the last lock.

She stared back at him, no longer smiling as the door fell open to a dark room. He walked in first and flipped on the lights. He held the door aside allowing Joey passage and after she'd entered, he closed the door again, and locked it, not only with the regular lock, but with a dead bolt.

Joey looked around the room.

"This is nice." She said enthusiastically. "It's cozy."

"Thanks." He said quietly, stripping off his coat. She started to do the same, and he, like the gentleman he always was, helped her off with it. He hung their coats in a tiny closet next to the front door, then looked around helplessly.

"Um, sit down."

She headed over to the futon sofa and made herself comfortable. "Can I get you something? A soda?"

"Yeah, that'd be good…"

"Diet?"

"Yes," She smiled.

"I remember." He said as he disappeared around a little counter. She heard the refrigerator open and its light bounced off the walls.

His place was small and neat. Not a lot of personal touches, she noticed, but when he did have were books. A whole shelf full of old books. Some of them she recognized from the courses he'd taken while at Washington State; others were just books from old bookstores or garage sales. The walls were mostly empty, except for one piece of art. Joey immediately started up.

"Is that…?" She went closer. 

She didn't need to ask, it was hers.

Pacey appeared from the kitchenette with two glasses of soda in his hands.

"Pacey!" She said, her mouth open but a smile forming. "You still have this?"

"Of course," He mumbled.

She had painted it after graduation, and she had given it to him.

It was her heart. Or, atleast, metaphorically it was.

It was the creek from the porch of the B&B. Joey's eyes suddenly filled with tears. When Pacey saw, his whole face twisted with concern and he set the glasses down on the coffee table.

"What's wrong, Jo?" He asked in a scared little voice. "Did I do something?"

"No!" She laughed as she wiped her eyes. "Of course not! You didn't do anything…you're perfect!"

He looked a little bewildered. She took his hands and led him to the couch.

"Pacey! It just means so much to me that after all this time, you kept it."

"Of course I kept it." He said, nervously staring away from her. She smiled, but he couldn't see it as his eyes focused on his lap. Joey looked over at the glasses of soda. She picked them up and handed one out to him.

"To us." She said, holding hers up in front of herself. He cautiously did the same. "May we always be in each other's lives as much as we've been in each other's hearts…"

Pacey looked at her dumbly. Her smile faded as she stared into his eyes. 

There it was again…that thing that seemed to steal away his spirit.

"Pacey?" She whispered, dropping her glass back to the table.

He shook his head, swallowing hard. Joey took it upon herself to reach out to him. He started to pull away as she wrapped her arms around him, but then he just froze as if paralyzed. 

Was it fear? She didn't know. Why would he fear her?

Joey sighed as she finally felt his body slump. 

He felt so thin…and so tense and hunched up. She didn't let go, she wouldn't. Not until he atleast hugged her back.

Slowly he finally melted into it.

He shook his head desperately as Joey's lips started towards his. She looked him in the eye, caressing his face, and then leaned in, actually kissing him this time.

He was rigid at first, as her warm lips felt their way over his, but gradually he started to kiss her back. She pulled herself over his lap and started kissing him deeper and deeper.

She lost herself in him when suddenly glass shattered. 

Joey looked over, startled to see that Pacey had been holding his glass so tightly that it had burst in his hand.

"Shit!" He winced.

Fresh warm blood seeped to the surface of his skin and Joey sat up.  
"Oh my god! You're bleeding!"

"It's okay!" He said quickly, grabbing his wrist with his free hand to stop the flow.

She jumped up and went to the kitchen, looking for something, anything, a clean rag, to clean him up with. She found one in a drawer and wet it in the sink before coming back to him and kneeling on the floor before him.

He just sat there clutching his wrist, holding it straight up in the air parallel to his body as the blood ran over his fingers and down his forearm beneath his sleeve. Joey took his arm and pulled his hand to her as she inspected it. She wiped away at the blood. It didn't come back up so fast.

"Its just a surface wound," She said, wiping the rest of the blood away. "I think you'll be fine…no stitches…" She started up again, and pulled him to his feet. "Where's the bathroom?" She asked.

"Through there," He pointed.

She led him through the door, through his bedroom, and into the small bathroom, flipping on the light. She turned on the water in the sink and gently took his hand and held it underneath.

"Ow!" He winced as the water ran over the cuts, surprisingly stinging far worse than he'd expected.

She smiled up at him.

"Take a seat," She said, dropping the toilet lid. He followed her directions. She popped open the medicine cabinet before he could protest, and not even paying to the medications inside, pulled out some peroxide and gauze. "Now…compared to the water, this is really going to sting,"

She took his hand, holding it over the sink, and after peeling back his sleeve a bit, poured the peroxide over it. He jerked away hard as it bubbled into the wounds.

"Jeez," She teased at his expression. "When did you get such a low tolerance for pain?"

He didn't answer, but instead just sat there, biting his bottom lip as he stared at the cuts.

After a second, she dabbed it with some toilet paper and wrapped it in the gauze. She let him take his hand back, which he held protectively in his lap. Again, she kneeled down before him, briefly kissing his forehead, then looked up into his eyes. "You've got blood all over you!" 

She smiled, taking his arm one more time, and began tugging up the sleeve. His eyes followed hers down to his forearm.

"No!" He cried. But it was too late.

"Pacey!" 

She was baffled. She looked up at him, her expression wide and confused. "What's…?" She ran her fingers over his skin. "What is this?"

Pacey stared down at the scars helplessly.

"Pacey?"

"Joey…"

"Pacey! Tell me!"

"Jo…" He looked so scared. Her eyes were huge and frightened, as frightened as his must've been. He shook his head sadly, but she nodded pleadingly. She wanted to know, she had to. 

He started to tremble, and his voice was but a hoarse whisper.

"Jo…I'm a…I'm a recovering heroin addict."

Her heart broke.

"What?" She asked in a strangled sound from her lips.

"I'm a…a…a heroin addict."

"But Pacey…?"

He hid his eyes from hers. He was shaking almost violently now, and she let go of him.

"I…" She didn't know what to say. 

He was fighting back tears. He didn't want to cry. She knew that. 

She stared at him for what seemed like hours. 

_How could this have happened? How could this have happened to him?_ She couldn't fathom… But then there were the track marks, as plain as day. As plain as…

Her love for him.

She finally got over herself and took him in her arms. He jolted up when she reached around him, startled by her actions, but he shrank against her.

Everything was dead silent.

Joey just held him for a few minutes, rocking him gently.

"What can you tell me?" She finally said, still kneeling on the floor in front of him. He shook his head.

"I…I…" He looked away frustrated. He sighed guiltily. The words would not come easy.

"Take your time," She said, smoothing the hair back on his head. "I just want to try to understand."

"I don't think I can understand myself."

"Are you clean now?"

"Mostly," He sighed. "I mean, I don't use, but I have to take Methadone twice a week. I go to a clinic and they give it to me. It's better now," He was trying to offer her something positive. She looked so sad, _so disappointed… _"I don't have to take it as often."

She nodded her head slightly.

"…I was taking it seven times a week, that was at it's worst, the withdrawals…but now. Only twice."

"That's supposed to wean you off of it, right?" She asked.

He nodded.

"Does…does it hurt?"

"Sometimes."

"And how long have you been struggling with it?"

"A little over three years."

"God."

Joey sunk back on her heels. A little over three years…_that's right after…_

Pacey could tell what she was thinking.

"It wasn't your fault." He said quickly. "Don't think you had any part of this. It was me, all me!"

"I can only imagine…"

"Don't." Pacey said quickly. Joey stared at him. "Please don't try to imagine it…it's…I don't want you to know what it's like."

She swallowed hard, fighting the knot in her throat.

"Is there…is there anything else?" She stared down at the gauze on his hand. The blood had started to seep through. She stared at it cautiously.

"Like HIV?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"I've tested negative three times..." Joey almost sighed in relief. "…I've got the paperwork to prove it."

"I wish…" She placed her hand over his knee and almost started to cry. "I wish I could've been there for you."

"Don't." He said again, shaking his head. "You couldn't have helped me anyway. Only I could help myself."

"Are you getting better? Are you really?"

"I think so."

Another moment of silence passed. Pacey started to grow nervous again.

"Look, Jo… I understand if you can't see me anymore. Don't think you---"

"Pacey,"

"I…I know. It's too bad, too terrible to-"

"Pacey." She leaned forward and put her finger to his lips, hushing him. He was quiet as she fingered the dry blood on his sleeve. He didn't say a word as she slipped her arms around his waist and started to lift his sweater over his head. And he was breathless as her mouth caressed his bare chest, making her way up his throat, to his jaw…and then is chin… then his mouth.

She stood and started the shower, hot steam rising through the air. He stared at her simply as she started to undress herself, her eyes never moving from his.

~O~

Pacey woke up at eight o'clock like clockwork. He sat up with a jolt, last night's memories flooding back into his head.

The little light illuminating his room was from the sunlight that filtered through the thin window in the wall over his bed. It was the only room in the apartment with a window, and sometimes, when the sun actually was out, he'd just lay there for hours staring at the reflections on the opposite wall.

He looked around the empty bed. Joey was gone.

He looked down at his gauze wrapped hand. She had rewrapped it after their shower, and he sat trying to remember the way her fingers lingered over him when she did it. He couldn't remember it clearly though. He looked down at the scars on his arms and remembered how she had rubbed them over and over and over again as they laid in his bed in the dark after making love for the first time in almost four years.

For some reason he remembered that all too well…the way she stared at them, his track marks… He wished if anything, he could forget that part. But he wouldn't.

He looked around sadly. His bed had never felt emptier.

He slowly lowered himself back down on his pillow and stared at the reflections on the wall. It always reminded him of the waters of the creek back home. 

_That stupid creek, _he thought. Never had he ever guessed he could miss that creek so much. But that creek was a part of him, and his life, and it always would be. It was the starting part, _the heart,_ of so many things.

And for him, so much pain.

He glanced at the spot where Joey had lain all night beside him. 

He already missed her again. But he felt very lucky that he had been able to have atleast this one last chance with her. He never thought he would have it, and he knew he never would again, so he recalled it over and over in his mind trying remember the details, trying to store it away as best as he knew how so that there would be no regrets. He couldn't afford to regret anything.

Not ever again.

He grew tired.

Pacey closed his eyes, and gave in to more sleep.

"Wake up…"

"Huh?"

"Wake up…I have a surprise for you."

Pacey's eyes fluttered open. In only twenty minutes he'd fallen into a deep sleep and he hadn't even heard her come in. That's how it was for him. With addiction, sleep was always deep. He couldn't remember ever dreaming either…

He yawned as he sat up, scratching his head.

Joey was sitting on the edge of the bed dressed professionally for her first day at her new job. Pacey watched her curiously.

"You came back."

"I wasn't going to leave without saying goodbye," She laughed. "Look! I brought you a surprise!"

He looked over at the pink bakery box sitting on the empty side of the bed.

"Bagels?"

"Yes! And…?"

"And fruit?"

"Yes! And…?"

"And…?"

Joey grinned at him mischievously.

"Coffee." She answered, lifting from the floor a cup holder with two tall cups of gourmet coffee. "I borrowed your keys and slipped out early so I could go home and change. I didn't want to wake you…" She handed him one of the cups. He took it but then set it aside on the nightstand. "…so I thought that I'd surprise you and bring you breakfast. What do you say when I get off work today, we have a nice long dinner…so we can talk…about us?"

"Joey…Don't, I don't know…" He took her cup from her hands and set it on the nightstand too. Then he took her hand, and rubbed it with his own. "Joey…this is more complicated than you think. Things can get really complicated with me, and I don't expect you to---"

"Pacey, I'm not going anywhere," She frowned. 

He looked surprised. "But Joey---"

"But Joey, nothing. You kicked me out of your life once already, and I just let it happen. I vowed to myself if you ever let me back in, I wouldn't let it happen a second time."

"But Joey…I'm sick." He looked away, self consciously rubbing his arm. "I'm weak…I'm, I'm not as strong as I used to be."

"Yes, you're sick, Pacey. We're all sick in our own way... But don't say you're not strong. You are. Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten this far."

"But I have so much farther to go."

"And I plan to be here."

"I don't need a nurse, I don't want you to have to take care of me."

"Who says anything about me being a nurse?" Joey said gruffly. "And maybe I want you to take care of me."

"Me??? Take care of you???"

"Yeah," She softened up. "Without you who would I look forward to coming home to?"

"Joey…" Pacey said, reluctantly smiling. "I've been taking baby steps…I can't take a leap like this,"

"So, maybe we take baby steps too."

Pacey looked at her incredulously then looked around at the disarrayed sheets.

"And so we'll skip the rules about hopping into bed! That doesn't count anyways."

Pacey laughed. He shook his head at her. "Oh, Joey…"

"Pacey," Joey said, her tone more serious. "I know you've got a lot more pain to face, and I can't stop it. But I know I can be there to see you through it."

"Joey," His voice cracked.

To save him from crying, and to save herself, she leaned forward and hugged him tenderly. They both took in deep breaths at the same time. As Pacey exhaled, he held her tighter.

"I love you," He managed.

"I love you too."

"Good. I'm glad."

Joey smiled. "Me too."

THE END


End file.
